breathe

"I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart: I am. I am. I am. ~ Slyvia Plath

Photos from a time I wasn't able to breathe much at all, bronchitis lungs, baby occupying my center, and a winter of dirty air and little sunshine. On this day I found my lungs clear with the clean, heavy air of green space. I felt sunshine. I felt lightness. I felt alive. Every breath this day was a gift.

A huge thank you to one of my very best friends, Cynthia, for being my muse this cold, winter day.

 

Contax 645 ~ Fuji 400H ~ Photovision Film Lab ~ Shop Gossamer Gown

Ballerina on Film

Just a glimpse of something beautiful.

Florals: La Fete ~ Gown: Leanne Marshall ~ Model: Sophie Baddley

Baby Three ~ 8 weeks, 19 weeks, 37 weeks

Baby girl, right now you are 39.5 weeks, and we are preparing for your arrival any day. Your dad is making cookies for the nurses, my hospital bag is packed and re-packed. My energy is like a million bouncy balls flung off a high rise, bounding in a million directions. I don't know what to focus on (the house is clean, the baby clothes washed, gifts from all who love you, carefully tucked into my bag.) To say you were a surprise doesn't even begin to describe the wonder of you. From the moment I first had an inkling you were even a possibility, my heart hasn't stopped exploding. To understand all of my complicated emotions would take years to unravel. The years of wanting, the years of trying, the years of growing your siblings under sterile conditions, in Dr.'s offices. And here you came, carefree and easy, lightning in the middle of summer day. I've had a hard time believing in you, but you constantly proved to me that you are here, and a force all your own. Now we are days, hours, heart beats from meeting you, and I've barely registered that you are my last baby. The last one to claim occupancy in the physical space below my heart. You are the beginning of all my lasts. I've vowed to be present in this final stretch. To not be scared. To embrace what my body, so foreign and unyielding for so many years, was capable of.

We all love you and dream of you. I watch you move, a constellation in your own orbit. I hear your heartbeat, steady and comforting. Your siblings, who talk to you every day, Lucy, whispering she dreamt of you and your brother, who named you. Your Father magically soothing all the crazy that becomes me, when combined with you. We love you with all of our beings, baby girl.

Please come soon.

XOXO

Mom

My sunshine friend Sarah Knight, documented three stages of my pregnancy with the now discontinued Fujifilm FP-3000B. These instant photos are so fleetingly beautiful. A moment, a smile, a growing belly, a spontaneous tackle hug, never to revisited except in my heart and these tangible witnesses. I'm forever grateful Sarah!

  

Cynthia ~ A peak

Floral Sneak Peak

One pretty shot from a recent shoot with Wedding Paper Divas and La Fete Floral.

Lucy and Jack

Thoughts on Instagram, that I wanted to remember here.

On Lucy,

Lucy Bear, my sweet, sweet girl. She's someone who is constantly thinking and worried about others. Sports concern her, because she doesn't like that there's a loser. The other day, I got the stomach flu and she popped out of bed and anxiously told me, "Mom! You need to get in the bath right away!" A perfect example is when we were in Disneyland a few months ago. She got tired and asked me to hold her. And as I held her newly gangly body in my arms, she rubbed my back, and arms, making me as comfortable and happy as she knew how. She wraps their world in her arms, and tries her best to heal all it's wounds. She fearlessly defends those she loves, but refuses to do battle with those that wound her. We love our gentle bug, whose eyes twinkle and soul sparkles. She lights up a room and is the sunshine in our lives. Thank you Lucy for being the one to make us Mom and Dad.

On Jack,

He's terrified of snails, and if you ask him, it's their "scawey eyes." He likes riding his bike, which means walking his bike with his helmet on, often pant-less. He desperately wants a dog, following around our cousin's labradoodle version, gently chanting, Molly, Molly, Molly (like a stalker.) And he clarifies, "I want a dog! A big one! Sleep in my bed?" All kids his age are called Baby, although he is steadfastly, "A big boy!" He loves Daddy the best, with me and Lucy tied as second. But he gives me all the kisses I ask for, and he can't function if Lucy isn't right by his side, patiently and not so patiently being tormented by him. He tucks screwdrivers into his diaper, refuses to take his superhero cape off and only answers to Bat Bat His kisses are sticky, his knees are scraped, he leaves a path of destruction everywhere he goes... Jack is my boy. The one I thought I'd never have. I love him so.

Abandoned Mansion | Film Editorial

“Love her, love her, love her! If she favours you, love her. If she wounds you, love her. If she tears your heart to pieces – and as it gets older and stronger, it will tear deeper – love her, love her, love her!” -Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

I've always loved the darker side of things. Wuthering Heights was the first book that I really remember inhaling (anyone else read like that?) I like stormy days, and songs in minor, wandering souls, and I've been a lover of fairy tales as long as I can remember. Early spring tends to bring this side out of me, and Allison, of La Feté, and I were inspired by the darker side of fairy tales, with a little Great Expectation mixed in. We wanted a shoot that was haunting, emotive, and follows the journey of a girl, neglected in her wedding finery, waiting for her lost love.

There are so many stories I want to tell about this shoot, which we secretly dubbed, haunted mansion. From my assistant falling into a rotting pool of water, flowers three days late, some blood and near fainting, there was definite a bit of misadventure going on as well. But that is what makes what we do such a great adventure. Read below for all the amazing contributors, who lent their talents and gifts to our labor of love!

If you'd like to see, Abandoned Mansion was featured on Magnolia Rouge! Eek! Also, I wanted to send a lot of love to Allison, La Feté. She has been an amazing collaborator, friend, artist and soul sister. There was a lot going on during this shoot, and she still created the most beautiful world. Thank you Allison!

Many thanks to,

Model: Amanda Larsen, for being embodying our concept, being a beautiful soul inside and out, and putting up with a whole lot of crazy, all while maintaining happy spirits. You are amazing! Florals/Stylist: Allison Baddley from La Feté MUA: Flavia from Versa Artistry Invitation Suite: Pink Piggy Design Cake: Tauri with Pippa Cakery: tauri@pippacakery.com Cake Stand and Tablescape chairs: Maison Boutique Chaise and broken chair: Lynette with Refined Vintage Assistants: Kate Lovell, and Jenny Bradley

La Bicylette Editorial

A summer day inspired by La Bicylette, picnics, and flowers found on the way. La bonne vie!

As always, beautiful flowers by Allison of La Fete, (my favorite co-conspirator) and we were so lucky to work with the incredibly lovely Hayley as model. Thank you Eva's for generously sharing your space and Jade Marie and Ash Sylvester for Make-Up and Hair!

 

Florals/Co-Conspirator: Allison Baddley, La Fete Model: Hayley Bradley Make-up: Jade Marie, Kissable Complexions Hair: Ash Sylvester

Love Elements Trompe l'oiel ~ floral pattern, dahlias, strawberries

For the latest installation of our Love Elements series, Allison, of Late Fete, and I wanted something simple, happy, and bright! It's this time of winter when Spring might technically be closer, but it feels very, very far away. We thought it would be fun to play with color and pattern, and the results are so shiny and colorful. It makes my heart sing, to see such happy colors.

From Allison, "This is that time of year where we long for the warmth of sun on our faces, flowers as far as the eyes can see, juicy strawberries and color - lots of it! We truly believe, as Audrey Hepburn said, "happy girls are the prettiest girls" and this was the case with our beautiful and sweet model Alex Pynes. She embodies happiness. For this collaboration, we wanted to do a "trompe l'oie"and layer fabric and bright floral together because really sometimes we are surprised by a love that has been there all along, right in front or our eyes."

I think I love these pictures even more, knowing that it was snowing and freezing, hahaha! And we made a last minute background change, literally 5 minutes before the shoot. The best laid plans...

florals: La Fete, Model: Alex Pynes

Evergreen | Utah Christmas Photography

Love Elements Evergreen ~ Snow ~ Winter Crowns

I'm going to be 100% honest here, this shoot was intense! Sometimes, somethings, throw you for a loop, and this happened to be one of them. It was cold, it was snowy, it was dangerous driving, there were equipment malfunctions and dead car batteries. And despite all the crazy, there were four beautiful girls, and four beautiful hair wreaths, three cold mama's, who were worried about the cold babies, and a whole bunch of Christmas Tree Lot Dude's, who thought we were absolutely nutsos.

Sometimes that's just how life goes, and I'd like to say I always weather that storm with clear eyes, and a peaceful heart, but truth be told, my mind goes a million miles per minute, my heart starts beating even harder, and I might get a little flustered from time to time. But despite it all, I think this is one of the most satisfying shoots. There's something to say for being proud, when your vision needs to change suddenly. Like that cute, vintage sled I had? Yeah, we scrapped that. Hot chocolate, soon became cold chocolate. Life happens, sometimes in the middle of a shoot. BUT, Allison, who as always, completely wins with beauty and awesomeness, made the most beautiful wreaths, was my rock, when I needed calm, and ran back and forth providing blankets and warmth and love. And her beautiful words (which you should read over here,) convey the truth of our intentions and the magic, I'm proud to say, I think we still accomplished.

A huge thanks to Sophie, Chloe, Zoee and Nora!

Merry Christmas Everyone! I hope that if this season has been a bit hectic, crazy, and not exactly as planned, that we can all enjoy with our families these precious days, and enjoy the magic that is the season!

Florals: La Fete, Allison Baddley

Gather Editorial

Sometimes you get lucky enough to meet a kindred soul, a la Anne of Green Gables style. I'm so lucky to have met Allison Baddley, owner of La Fete Floral and Events. Allison is an amazing talent, and we have been collaborating together on a little project called, Love Elements. The premise is simple. We want to create simple, beautiful inspiration, based off of three elements. For our first shoot, we wanted to focus on wheat, persimmon, and gold. Allison says it beautifully below. A huge thank you to Laura Miller, of You Doll Design for the calligraphy, and Beckie Winston, of Maison Confisserie and Boutique for the beautiful jewelry. Read below to read Allison's eloquent description.

For our first Love elements collaboration, we were inspired by the word “Gather” and wanted to showcase autumn’s natural bounty.  We liked the idea of gathering a big bouquet of golden wheat straight from nature, so obvious to us our first element was going to be  - WHEAT.

From there, we decided that we would like a natural looking model with wheat colored hair in a simple wheat colored dress. We liked the idea of using her natural beauty with a pop of orange red on her lips and darling orange booties. Our thoughts again went to the rich colorful fruits of the season and our 2^nd element came to mind - PERSIMMON.

Even though the model is a natural beauty, we still wanted to add some sparkle to our shoot and we looked to Beckie Winston, the owner of Maison Confisserie & Boutique for something delicate and pretty that represented the gold found in autumn.  She donated the simple, yet amazing earrings and bracelets for the shoot and we decided that they represented our last element perfectly – GOLD.

The love element story – Everything about our story was inspired by our 3 Love elements. We decided that the Utah Mountains were the perfect setting because the backdrop is breathtakingly stunning this time of year.  Also, we instantly thought of the sweet and beautiful Elizabeth Pynes to use as our model.  She has never modeled before and has such a sweet quality about her because, believe it or not, she has no idea how beautiful she is. The story follows the simple path of a young girl in love.  She is out for an autumn stroll with the intent of gathering nature’s harvest.  Along the way, she gathers a bountiful bushel of golden wheat and also makes an autumnal bouquet and adorns her hair with flowers.

Credits: Florist: Allison Baddley/La Fete, Calligrapher: Laura Miller/You Doll Design, Jewelry: Maison Confiserie et Boutique

Lucy turns 4

Dear Lucy,

Yesterday you turned four. I know you were worried if it would meet all your hopes and dreams. You talked about it every day for an entire year, planning what you wanted, who would come, what we would eat. You talked about what you would get me for my birthday, and Dad, and what kind of cake I wanted, and I could have anything in the whole world! I know you were worried because we were doing it small this year, and no big party, and you didn't know what it meant. And Mom and Dad were worried, because your present got lost in the mail, and we did a last minute scramble the night before. But you were your sweet, silly, happy self. Everything was so exciting! The pink cake, with strawberries and sprinkles, "So pretty mom!" The Princess Barbies? Your favorite! How did we know? I was given a million kisses, a million hugs, and told, "Thank you for the best birthday ever! I love you so much." And that is why it's such a priviledge to surprise you, love you, shower you with happiness. Lucy, you are a ray of sunshine, that beams a million pink sparkles on this family. You worry about us, and if we are all happy. You draw me pictures, every single day, because you want to be a painter artist, and you love to give presents. You pick me flowers every day, and gather leaves, and rocks. You wear pink, on pink, on pink! You make friends wherever you go, and babies and dogs, are your special loves. When we go the park, you ask, so politely, of every dog owner, if you can pet their puppy. And then you kneel, and gently pat them. You want to see every baby, and make them smile. Lucy, you approach every day with the adventure it holds, constantly saying, "I just can't believe how lucky I am!"

We love you so much Baby Girl, even though you wont let me call you my baby. Thank you for coming into this world, and being mine. For teaching me daily that life is beautiful and grand. That it is meant to be explored and most importantly, loved, with absolute abandonment.

mountain elopement, three | Utah Elopement Photographer

My heart explodes a little when I see these images. I love them so much. Life should be filled with adventure and love. I was reading, somewhere, that happiness comes from trying new things. Putting yourself in uncomfortable situations, where the outcome isn't a guarantee. The adventure is the spice, the challenge that broadens your horizon. That's how I feel about these. So many adventures here, with beautiful, wild souls. That wraps up our Mountain Elopement! See the other installments here and here. Thank you Kate Lovell, Valen Hunter, Kali Chris and Rachel and Blake. Muah! Muah! Muah! I think I owe Rachel and Blake a lifetime of hot chocolate. For reals.

Mountain Elopement part two | Utah Elopement Photographer

Part two of our collaborative, mountain elopement. It doesn't get any sweeter or simpler than a girl, a boy...a dog.

Stylist: Kate Lovell Florist: Valen Hunter, Flower Afternoon MUA: Kali Chris Models: Rachel Howell and Blake Balkman

mountain elopement, one | Utah Elopement Photographer

Part one, of a lovely mountain elopement; starring Rachel and Blake, and Doug, the dog. A huge thank you to Valen Hunter from Flower Afternoon for the florals, Kate Lovell as the amazing stylist, and Kali Chris for hair and make-up. And of course, Rachel and Blake, and Doug!  I love this sweet and simple story.

tiny dancer | lucy bear

I haven't done a Lucy post in so very long. Life has been full, and busy, and crazy. And some days, we just barely survive until the next. But look at my girl. My.heart.is.melting. This year has been a learning experience as parents. We have learned that we don't need to push her quite as much as we have. When she is ready to go down the big slide, she will. And when she wants to put her head under water at the swimming pool, she will do that too. And once she decides, that's that. She's a fish, she's a big/kid/slide aficionado. The same with ballet. Her very first day she cried and cried. She didn't want to wear the tights. She wouldn't put on her shoes. And I wondered, what is doing right by her. Should I push her. Should I wait a little bit longer? What's the balance between wanting the very best, and knowing, she will soon love a thing, and giving her space and time to figure her world out on her own.

One of my favorite Lucy moments ever was the Christmas ballet performance. She was a bear. She stood the entire time, while the class performed around her. And then, at the very, very end, running back to behind the curtain, Lucy Bear did a little skip. I almost died of laughing. That little skip, will forever be in my heart.

And here she is now. A big sister. Growing out her hair. Trying new adventures. My sleeping beauty lover, pink fanatic, who calls seeds siths and makes her brother laugh like there is no tomorrow. The girl who tells me I'm doing a really good job, when I struggle to figure out how to do a bun, and tells me she loves my red hair so much. She is my free spirit, twirling to her own song. The one who waives at mom and dad during her performance, follows each step, with a big grin on her face, and walks into the curtain on the way off the stage, from pure excitement.

Lucy, Lucy, Lucy, you are my joy song. My wild heart.

Mallory | Editorial

Winter was long, long, long this year. Although it is already becoming a bit of a memory, I know I can't be the only one who feels that way. And while the sun was hiding behind a bitter, (BITTER!) inversion cloud, I decided I would get out and explore, once warmth made it's annual, blessed, reappearance. This was the result of a collaboration, on one beautiful March day. Specifically, I was interested in light and shade, and the emotion created by the imperfect use of both, but I may have gotten a little distracted by Mallory's hair. Just.A.Little.

So here are the results of one sunny day with two good friends! Thank you Mikki and Mallory for being such lovely people. Check out Mikki's version of our shoot here. I love seeing another creative's point of view. And for the record, I just love these girls.

Jack | A love note

I'm not going to lie, I was a bit nervous when, "boy," was unceremoniously proclaimed at 20 weeks. I didn't know boy. I knew girl. The last 18 months, with our three-year-old Lucy, have been an excess of pink, princess, pink, and more pink. I'm used to a bit of drama, and lots of opinions on what we are wearing, and I have a love-love-love relationship with my Lucy girl, that centers my whole world. She brushes my hair, and hugs me close, and we tell stories all day long. How would I ever be a good mom to a little boy? Although I'm the oldest of six kids, the girls all came first, and that's what I'm most familiar with. I'm not sure the territory that boys rule. Would I love my boy as much as I love my girl? Could my heart be big enough for another child? Would I be enough for him? Would he be enough for me?

And then he came. And he was perfect. He was so much more than perfect. He was exactly what I needed, to mend a heart still sore from a year filled with worry and hurt. I had prayed for a family, for so very long. I had yearned for a sibling for Lucy, and another baby to hold, and love. I had longed for him forever, and here he was. With a beautifully dimpled chin, and a full head of hair, blue-eyes (where did those come from) that look for me, wherever he is. He is my sweet, sweet baby, my love. And for the first six weeks, I never put him down. I wanted to constantly nestle, smoosh, munch on, and make him all completely mine. Of course, he isn't just mine, he's ours, but I learned something the moment I first held him. Our hearts can love more than we can prepare for. They are just waiting to expand and fill it's secret parts with love.

I can't get enough of my Jack. His grunt-laugh, his bright smile, the way he launches himself into my arms, and lets his sister man-handle him night and day. The way he will only fall asleep with me, snuggled in and cozy. I pray that I will be good enough for him. I want to teach him to be a good and kind boy, and a good and kind man. That compassion is a gift, not to be ashamed of and that strength is a blessing. I want him and Lucy to be best friends. I want them to know how lucky they are to have each other. She will protect him and he will protect her. As Lucy says, we are family. He might be my last baby, although I'm not ready to think of that yet. But either way, I give thanks every day, for the joy that is Jack. For the sweetness, and pureness. For his love. For his ability to make us all a little happier, and definitely a little tireder :) I take the bit of hard, with the whole world of good, and love him with all my heart.

Light | Shadow | personal work

It's hard for me to justify personal work these days. I have a newborn, a busy three-year-old, a husband, my clients, a crazy home that's always messy, and a million other things that are more pressing, needing my immediate attention.

But it's been a long, cold winter, and I needed to break out and experiment a little. A little push on the borders is good and necessary. And so I did, and these are just a peak.

Thank you Mallory and Mikki for being my co-conspirators!

Sweet Little Peanut Valentine's Day Party

Lucy and I were recently invited to the sweetest Valentine's Day Party. Megan, from Sweet Little Peanut, is just one super-talented, super-organized, super-creative momma. She put together such a darling party, and Lucy can't stop talking about it (especially, the entire bag of candy she snuck into her skirt.) The kids gave Valentine's, drank pink milk, frosted cookies, and stole kisses. Thank you so much Megan for such a great day! And check out Sharstin's cute littles. These kids were too much!

If you haven't checked out Sweet Little Peanut, you need to, stat! I have bookmarked every single Valentine's Day craft.

Sharstin and Megan, hard at work!