I'm not going to lie, I was a bit nervous when, "boy," was unceremoniously proclaimed at 20 weeks. I didn't know boy. I knew girl. The last 18 months, with our three-year-old Lucy, have been an excess of pink, princess, pink, and more pink. I'm used to a bit of drama, and lots of opinions on what we are wearing, and I have a love-love-love relationship with my Lucy girl, that centers my whole world. She brushes my hair, and hugs me close, and we tell stories all day long. How would I ever be a good mom to a little boy? Although I'm the oldest of six kids, the girls all came first, and that's what I'm most familiar with. I'm not sure the territory that boys rule. Would I love my boy as much as I love my girl? Could my heart be big enough for another child? Would I be enough for him? Would he be enough for me?
And then he came. And he was perfect. He was so much more than perfect. He was exactly what I needed, to mend a heart still sore from a year filled with worry and hurt. I had prayed for a family, for so very long. I had yearned for a sibling for Lucy, and another baby to hold, and love. I had longed for him forever, and here he was. With a beautifully dimpled chin, and a full head of hair, blue-eyes (where did those come from) that look for me, wherever he is. He is my sweet, sweet baby, my love. And for the first six weeks, I never put him down. I wanted to constantly nestle, smoosh, munch on, and make him all completely mine. Of course, he isn't just mine, he's ours, but I learned something the moment I first held him. Our hearts can love more than we can prepare for. They are just waiting to expand and fill it's secret parts with love.
I can't get enough of my Jack. His grunt-laugh, his bright smile, the way he launches himself into my arms, and lets his sister man-handle him night and day. The way he will only fall asleep with me, snuggled in and cozy. I pray that I will be good enough for him. I want to teach him to be a good and kind boy, and a good and kind man. That compassion is a gift, not to be ashamed of and that strength is a blessing. I want him and Lucy to be best friends. I want them to know how lucky they are to have each other. She will protect him and he will protect her. As Lucy says, we are family. He might be my last baby, although I'm not ready to think of that yet. But either way, I give thanks every day, for the joy that is Jack. For the sweetness, and pureness. For his love. For his ability to make us all a little happier, and definitely a little tireder :) I take the bit of hard, with the whole world of good, and love him with all my heart.