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Sweet Little Peanut Valentines Day Party

A couple of weeks ago I was invited to photography the sweetest little Valentine's Day Party! Here's a little peak, but there is plenty more to see over at Sweet Little Peanut's Blog! If you are familiar with Utah Bride Blog and Pink Piggy Design, then you will recognize the fabulous Megan Bailey, who is the creator of Sweet Little Peanut.

Lucy and I had the best time! Also, check out Sharstin Miller's cute little kiddies! So fun!

Oliver, Ollie, Buddy, Stinky, Ollie Bally

Today was a hard day, but we will always be grateful for the five years we had with Oliver. He was and is, my first dog. And my first experience with truly unselfish love. He lived to be a part of our family, and his sweet gift to us will never be forgotten.

Today, we tried to make him as comfortable as possible, love him, and convey just how much it has meant to have him be in our family. Lucy told Oliver stories about doggies that felt happy and not sick any more. She told me not to cry, she promises it will be okay.

It already feels lonely, without his loud tail thump, and happy face to greet us. If you have ever had a pet, I think you know what today was for us. Scott always told me I'd have a really hard day in twelve years, but today we had a really hard one in five. Life isn't always fair, but we are forever grateful that we chose this dog, the one that constantly got stopped for his handsome doggy looks, and happy, sweet personality. Five years ago, on Valentine's day, I gave Scott our sweet Ollie, and our life hasn't been the same since.

Berry Editorial | published utah bride and groom

The inspiration for this shoot was born in the middle of last winter, when it was cold and grey, and I was yearning for sun and color. It was executed on a hot day last June, surrounded by forest fires, with ash falling on our heads. From start to finish, this was a project of love and I can honestly say this body of work, is some of my proudest. I wanted to challenge myself, and in the process had the amazing blessing of working with some of the most beautiful and talented women around. I can't say enough thank you's to Sarah Winward, Jayne Swallow, Melissa Blackburn and April Benincosa for their talent, friendship, and incredible collaboration! A huge thank you to Mari and Blake for being our beautiful models and to my husband, Scott, for making 6 dozen bundt cakes, being the heavy lifter, U-haul driver, and all-around, wonderful supporter that he is. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! And I'm so excited to share that this shoot is featured in the current edition of Utah Bride and Groom! Thank you Val for the beautiful feature! There are so many wonderful articles and beautiful weddings in this issue! I'm honored to be a part of such an amazing magazine and collection of work.

Surprise! They have a baby! How cute are they?

Sarah Winward: Honey of a Thousand Flowers Jayne Swallow: October Ink Melissa Blackburn, fine dressmaking and design April Benincosa: Vintage Rouge Location: Phelps Berry Farm

Enjoy, be present, be happy

Last year I wrote this post, knowing IVF was in my immediate future. I was terrified of failure and loss this time around. But like last time, we jumped in, heart in hand, with a hope and faith. And here I am, a year later, so grateful for this journey I have traveled. There were hard things; some unexpected bumps, but the year ended with the sweetest thing of all. My heart wants to burst with the glory that is Jack and the wonder that is my family.

My goal this year is simple. Enjoy! Enjoy the simple things, the simple moments, the silly moments, the hard moments and the heart-breakingly beautiful moments. Be present and be happy. That's my wish for 2013. And I wish it for all the lovely people who filled my world this year. Amazing clients, beautiful friends and family. A whole bunch of new people entered my world in 2012, and when I look back, I'm incredibly grateful. I'm grateful for deepening relationships, and support systems, encouragement and inspiration.

Thank you and Happy New Year's!

Becoming a big sister

Lucy has been the center of our world for three full years and it has been a bit strange this past year to think of that changing. Exciting, but slightly surreal. These past 9 months I wanted to try and prepare her as much as possible for Jack's arrival. We talked about Jack, and how he is in my tummy, "big like Daddy's!" and how she was going to be such a good big sister and he was going to be her baby brother. She was very interested in it all, until we bought clothes for Jack, or brought out the old baby stuff for Jack, then Lucy would say, "I'm just a little bit nervous." A few days before he came, Lucy said she wanted him to stay in my tummy forever. When she found his gift to her in my hospital bag (the little snoop) she burst into tears when I laughed. All of sudden all of our world's were going to change. Were we ready for late nights, and late feedings, and poopy diapers again? Was Lucy ready to be a big sister? And then Jack came, and our hearts opened up a million times over.

But I still was nervous for that first moment when Lucy would meet him. During delivery I told the nurses I couldn't wait for her to meet him, and we could all be a family. Then she came bounding through the labor and delivery doors, complete with pink and blue balloons, and...stopped dead in her tracks. She went straight to Scott and wouldn't look at me or Jack. When she was put on the bed, she asked to get off. The next day she visited and the same thing. She set up her dolls, and her snacks, and her movies on the little hospital couch, and angled away from whoever had Jack. She didn't go near him. When Scott came home to check on things, she cried for her Mommy and told Daddy not to leave.

It's hard watching your oldest struggle with something they don't really understand. Her whole world had just changed. But when we got home, and hugged her and loved her, Lucy asked to hold Jack (and she hasn't stopped since then.) She runs to get the "hansanitzer" and asks so sweetly, "can I touch him?" She is my constant buddy, and asks, "where is Baby Jack," and," is my baby brother sleeping?" She tells us, "I'm the big sister!" and "I just love my baby brother."

I think Jack is the greatest gift we could ultimately give her. A sibling to share secrets with and fight with and share with and grow with. It's been amazing to watch her bond and love him. And I think she loves him a lot, except for that time we did a photo shoot in Jack's room and moved things around. Miss Lucy Pants, immediately put her hands on her hips, started moving things back, and told us, "don't you move my stuff around Dad! or I'll get naughty to you!" Yeah, that sounds about right. Sharing might be an issue.

Changes

This Friday we are welcoming a new baby boy. Two weeks ago we discovered that our beloved 4 year-old Golden, Ollie has cancer. It has been a time of heartbreak and excitement. We love Oliver with all of our hearts, and are relishing all the time we have with him. And we can't wait to meet Jack and be a family of 5, even if it is just for a little while.

Halloween 2012 | pretty in pink

I haven't taken a semi-official photo of Lucy in, um, I guess a year. I just tend to take photos as we are going about our lives. But in the midst of yesterdays crazy, we headed over to the park for a quick 10 minutes. I had to document this crazy, over-the-top pink get-up, we had going on. I never thought I would have a girl who loves pink so much. I don't even own the color. But here we are. Obsessed with pink shoes, pink dresses and pink candy. I even tried to get her to go for the green fairy costume, but Lucy wasn't having it. And you know what, she loves it. I love it. I can't wait for next year, even though I think trick or treating might get even crazier with a one-year old in tow.

Halloween

I really love Halloween. Like a lot. And I feel so sad if we can't go and do every single Halloween adventure there is to be had, and adventures are what we have been having (Gardner Village, Cornbelly's, Caramel Apples! Parties! Parties!) I have been documenting it all, via Instagram (curse you for making me a lazy photographer you iPhone, you,) but one thing I didn't do this year, was coordinating costumes. I'm going to chalk it up to being 37 weeks pregnant, and throwing a birthday party for Lucy that nearly put me into labor. So here are some pictures from last year, which I never posted. Thank you Logan Walker for the wonderful photography. I'm in pictures so rarely, so why not be all decked out in pink when I finally decide to?

There is so much going on in our lives right now, and I keep meaning to put it all up here. More for me, than anyone else. Like how Lucy turned 3, and it was kinda of a big deal, or how about we still don't have that baby car seat, or about our dear Oliver, who is currently breaking our hearts. It will all get up here eventually. But in the meantime, here's Lucy and I, in all our glory.

All photos by Logan Walker Photography

Markers Farmet | The Summer of 3.5

I had an epiphany this morning. In fact, this very moment.

This is the last summer where it is just the three of us, our little family that has brought me so much joy. I mean, of course, I knew that. And I'm so very, very excited for Jack. I can only dream about all the ways he will complete us. But right now, I only know the three of us, and I wonder what our future looks like. I think it will look something special, but I wonder if it has some heartbreak in store for Lucy and maybe a bit for me. Will I mourn the loss of the mother I have come to be for her? I see joy in our future, but maybe a little bit of confusion too?

I have no doubt we will be better, and stronger and more in awe of life's beauty when Jack gets here. But I have loved the three years I have had with just Lucy. Lucy, my child, my daughter, my dance partner, my big girl. She was the first to give me the title of mother. And with that changing of the guard, my life, my soul has been brighter and clearer.

This summer has been the summer of pink shoes. Ones that she never takes off, even when she sleeps. They are broken and dirty, but are always on her feet. It has been the summer of swimming, of slow walks, as my body adjusts to the new life inside of me. It has been a summer of aches and pains for me, and it hasn't been lost on Lucy. I fear we are raising a hypochondriac. She wants to go to bed because she feels "sick." She limps around on her "sore" leg. She asks me constantly if I'm okay.

But it has also been a summer of hopes and dreams. We talk about Jack every day. How he will sleep in the crib, and wear diapers, because he is a baby, but not her, she is a big girl. She feels my stomach and waits for the kicks. She tells me, "Mom, I just love Baby Jack."

It's a summer of growing up. Lucy wears big girl undies now, and sleeps in a big girl bed. Those changes weren't without their moments of sadness, as she transitions to big sister, and leaves behind only child.

When I leave for work, she asks me, "Mommy, will you come back soon please?" When I come home, she runs to me, yelling, 'HUGS!" and tells me, "I just love you so much Mom." We have our moments. Lucy is also fond of telling me she doesn't love me, when frustrated, or that she loves Daddy, and that I love Ollie.

For me, this summer has been hazy around the edges. I feel different this pregnancy. I have a deep tiredness stored in all new places. I have worries about the future, and about the present. Am I doing my best? I know I'm not. But I'm trying really, really hard too, even when a nap is all I want. We watch more movies than I ever thought possible, and eat at random times, or sometimes not at all. But, I want to take a step back and remember this summer for what it is. Not just a summer of record breaking heat, where I seem to run ten degrees hotter than the thermostat. I want to remember that this is a summer of blessings. Of change. Of moving forward, but holding on. I want to remember Lucy yelling, "I'm awake!" every morning, and crawling into bed with me. Of her joy as she tackles new challenges. Of the preparations we are making, the clothes I put away and the new ones that were put in their place. I want to relish every moment I have where it's just the two of us. Co-Conspirators in our home, ally's in our battles, best friends in our adventures.

In a few short months (or maybe a few long months) we will be four. And four has been a hard-fought battle. I look forward to this winter as a time of nestling, settling and adjusting. Of new love and reconfirming existing love. And when I see Jack for the first time, I think my soul will expand even larger, brighter and clearer, and I'll better understand my capacity for love.

Independence Day | An ode to the small town

I don't technically live in a small town. I love in a mediumish town, nestled around a lot of bigger towns. But sometimes, it feels like I do. I can walk across the street to go the Farmer's Market every Friday and Saturday in August. I can also walk across the street to go to the local swimming pool, feed the ducks, find a running trail, or take Lucy to the playground. We watch Fireworks from our front lawn, have concerts in the park, and for the last week, we can hear the baseball game from our open windows at night. We love where we live. We love that come Independence Day we pack up our blankets, walk half a block, and watch our quirky little parade with all our neighbors. The Murray Parade may not be the shiniest, and it certainly isn't the fanciest, but it is ours. This is the first place we have lived, in our 12 years of marriage, where we have felt intimately connected to our hood and I like to think of Lucy and Jack making memories here.

Remember the parade, mom, where they wanted us to save the Prairie Dogs?

Or when we went swimming and went down the blue monster?

And got ice cream in the park? The orange building that our neighbor runs, and gives out free kiddie cones?

One day we will have to leave, because 780 square feet on the main level is pretty small for two adults, two kids and a dog who weighs more than most of us. But for right now, at this start of our family, this memory making home is magical.

Drive-Inn with Friends

The drive-inn has been a family affair ever since Scott and I shared our first kiss(es) there. And here we are, 13 years later, still going to the drive-inn every summer. This was the first time, though, that Lucy would actually watch the movie, which made this year infinitely more fun than the last two. And even better is going with friends. We were convinced to leave the Jeep at home, and watch from the glory of the front rows, in our little sedan. I was doubtful. What's better, than laying down in the back seat of your Utility Vehicle? I have since been convinced otherwise, since we could come later, sit closer, and not worry about anyone blocking our view. Maren and Scott, you were right! Another summer tradition successfully enjoyed!