Baby Three ~ 8 weeks, 19 weeks, 37 weeks

Baby girl, right now you are 39.5 weeks, and we are preparing for your arrival any day. Your dad is making cookies for the nurses, my hospital bag is packed and re-packed. My energy is like a million bouncy balls flung off a high rise, bounding in a million directions. I don't know what to focus on (the house is clean, the baby clothes washed, gifts from all who love you, carefully tucked into my bag.) To say you were a surprise doesn't even begin to describe the wonder of you. From the moment I first had an inkling you were even a possibility, my heart hasn't stopped exploding. To understand all of my complicated emotions would take years to unravel. The years of wanting, the years of trying, the years of growing your siblings under sterile conditions, in Dr.'s offices. And here you came, carefree and easy, lightning in the middle of summer day. I've had a hard time believing in you, but you constantly proved to me that you are here, and a force all your own. Now we are days, hours, heart beats from meeting you, and I've barely registered that you are my last baby. The last one to claim occupancy in the physical space below my heart. You are the beginning of all my lasts. I've vowed to be present in this final stretch. To not be scared. To embrace what my body, so foreign and unyielding for so many years, was capable of.

We all love you and dream of you. I watch you move, a constellation in your own orbit. I hear your heartbeat, steady and comforting. Your siblings, who talk to you every day, Lucy, whispering she dreamt of you and your brother, who named you. Your Father magically soothing all the crazy that becomes me, when combined with you. We love you with all of our beings, baby girl.

Please come soon.

XOXO

Mom

My sunshine friend Sarah Knight, documented three stages of my pregnancy with the now discontinued Fujifilm FP-3000B. These instant photos are so fleetingly beautiful. A moment, a smile, a growing belly, a spontaneous tackle hug, never to revisited except in my heart and these tangible witnesses. I'm forever grateful Sarah!

  

Kettle Family ~ Utah Family Photographer

Love this sweet session of my beautiful friend, Jessica, and her beautiful family, on a really, really, really cold December day. ,

Lucy and Jack

Thoughts on Instagram, that I wanted to remember here.

On Lucy,

Lucy Bear, my sweet, sweet girl. She's someone who is constantly thinking and worried about others. Sports concern her, because she doesn't like that there's a loser. The other day, I got the stomach flu and she popped out of bed and anxiously told me, "Mom! You need to get in the bath right away!" A perfect example is when we were in Disneyland a few months ago. She got tired and asked me to hold her. And as I held her newly gangly body in my arms, she rubbed my back, and arms, making me as comfortable and happy as she knew how. She wraps their world in her arms, and tries her best to heal all it's wounds. She fearlessly defends those she loves, but refuses to do battle with those that wound her. We love our gentle bug, whose eyes twinkle and soul sparkles. She lights up a room and is the sunshine in our lives. Thank you Lucy for being the one to make us Mom and Dad.

On Jack,

He's terrified of snails, and if you ask him, it's their "scawey eyes." He likes riding his bike, which means walking his bike with his helmet on, often pant-less. He desperately wants a dog, following around our cousin's labradoodle version, gently chanting, Molly, Molly, Molly (like a stalker.) And he clarifies, "I want a dog! A big one! Sleep in my bed?" All kids his age are called Baby, although he is steadfastly, "A big boy!" He loves Daddy the best, with me and Lucy tied as second. But he gives me all the kisses I ask for, and he can't function if Lucy isn't right by his side, patiently and not so patiently being tormented by him. He tucks screwdrivers into his diaper, refuses to take his superhero cape off and only answers to Bat Bat His kisses are sticky, his knees are scraped, he leaves a path of destruction everywhere he goes... Jack is my boy. The one I thought I'd never have. I love him so.

Schultz Family ~ First home loves

I believe in showing your heart, but sometimes I let self-doubt and worry hold mine back. I'm not sure why. Mainly it's because I want to be perfect all the time. And I'm most definitely not, so I come up short ALLLLL the time. So, I decided to let go of that. To not worry about perfection, but to just be present. To witness this moment in time, a place of transition for Brooke and her beautiful family. They are leaving this space, and exchanging mountains for oceans. It's got me thinking. Home is those you love, but it's also that physicality of location. The safety net of where you bring your babies home to, and cook in and fight in, and sleep in and love in. It's where you go for refuge. It's the protector of secret heart-aches and dreams. Homes are alive to me, active and messy. I wanted to capture home, the verb, not the noun. And that version isn't perfect, but it's very, very real. Brooke is talented and lovely, a good Momma and a good woman. She's been a friend to me, and I'm so happy I got to share in this afternoon with her sweet family.

Mikki and Braydon ~ Utah Family Session

It's the new year, and for some reason this post is all tied into life, and present-ness, moments, and you know, all THE THINGS that I/we want to be and feel and do. This post is a little bit about photo locations gone a bust, but more about baby kisses, and messy hair, and the imperfectly perfect moments that are gone before you know it. Lucky us, though, because there are a million more we get to experience. Life seems to be so meta lately, and anticipating the perfect Instagram image, and missing the real life happening behind it (guilty.) And so, when I look at these pictures I'm filled with happiness that an opportunity was not wasted to capture life--wonderful, crazy, spinning, running, joyous, stressful, incredibly real life. And although I'm not making any official resolutions this year, I guess I kind of am. Because I want to be experiencing my life in real time and not as I scroll through a social media feed (Oh, and more sleep! Always more sleep.)

So, Thank you, Mikki, Braydon, and littles, for letting me into your life and document this bit of time for you. You are amazing!

Happy New Year's!

Evergreen | Utah Christmas Photography

Love Elements Evergreen ~ Snow ~ Winter Crowns

I'm going to be 100% honest here, this shoot was intense! Sometimes, somethings, throw you for a loop, and this happened to be one of them. It was cold, it was snowy, it was dangerous driving, there were equipment malfunctions and dead car batteries. And despite all the crazy, there were four beautiful girls, and four beautiful hair wreaths, three cold mama's, who were worried about the cold babies, and a whole bunch of Christmas Tree Lot Dude's, who thought we were absolutely nutsos.

Sometimes that's just how life goes, and I'd like to say I always weather that storm with clear eyes, and a peaceful heart, but truth be told, my mind goes a million miles per minute, my heart starts beating even harder, and I might get a little flustered from time to time. But despite it all, I think this is one of the most satisfying shoots. There's something to say for being proud, when your vision needs to change suddenly. Like that cute, vintage sled I had? Yeah, we scrapped that. Hot chocolate, soon became cold chocolate. Life happens, sometimes in the middle of a shoot. BUT, Allison, who as always, completely wins with beauty and awesomeness, made the most beautiful wreaths, was my rock, when I needed calm, and ran back and forth providing blankets and warmth and love. And her beautiful words (which you should read over here,) convey the truth of our intentions and the magic, I'm proud to say, I think we still accomplished.

A huge thanks to Sophie, Chloe, Zoee and Nora!

Merry Christmas Everyone! I hope that if this season has been a bit hectic, crazy, and not exactly as planned, that we can all enjoy with our families these precious days, and enjoy the magic that is the season!

Florals: La Fete, Allison Baddley

Lucy turns 4

Dear Lucy,

Yesterday you turned four. I know you were worried if it would meet all your hopes and dreams. You talked about it every day for an entire year, planning what you wanted, who would come, what we would eat. You talked about what you would get me for my birthday, and Dad, and what kind of cake I wanted, and I could have anything in the whole world! I know you were worried because we were doing it small this year, and no big party, and you didn't know what it meant. And Mom and Dad were worried, because your present got lost in the mail, and we did a last minute scramble the night before. But you were your sweet, silly, happy self. Everything was so exciting! The pink cake, with strawberries and sprinkles, "So pretty mom!" The Princess Barbies? Your favorite! How did we know? I was given a million kisses, a million hugs, and told, "Thank you for the best birthday ever! I love you so much." And that is why it's such a priviledge to surprise you, love you, shower you with happiness. Lucy, you are a ray of sunshine, that beams a million pink sparkles on this family. You worry about us, and if we are all happy. You draw me pictures, every single day, because you want to be a painter artist, and you love to give presents. You pick me flowers every day, and gather leaves, and rocks. You wear pink, on pink, on pink! You make friends wherever you go, and babies and dogs, are your special loves. When we go the park, you ask, so politely, of every dog owner, if you can pet their puppy. And then you kneel, and gently pat them. You want to see every baby, and make them smile. Lucy, you approach every day with the adventure it holds, constantly saying, "I just can't believe how lucky I am!"

We love you so much Baby Girl, even though you wont let me call you my baby. Thank you for coming into this world, and being mine. For teaching me daily that life is beautiful and grand. That it is meant to be explored and most importantly, loved, with absolute abandonment.

tiny dancer | lucy bear

I haven't done a Lucy post in so very long. Life has been full, and busy, and crazy. And some days, we just barely survive until the next. But look at my girl. My.heart.is.melting. This year has been a learning experience as parents. We have learned that we don't need to push her quite as much as we have. When she is ready to go down the big slide, she will. And when she wants to put her head under water at the swimming pool, she will do that too. And once she decides, that's that. She's a fish, she's a big/kid/slide aficionado. The same with ballet. Her very first day she cried and cried. She didn't want to wear the tights. She wouldn't put on her shoes. And I wondered, what is doing right by her. Should I push her. Should I wait a little bit longer? What's the balance between wanting the very best, and knowing, she will soon love a thing, and giving her space and time to figure her world out on her own.

One of my favorite Lucy moments ever was the Christmas ballet performance. She was a bear. She stood the entire time, while the class performed around her. And then, at the very, very end, running back to behind the curtain, Lucy Bear did a little skip. I almost died of laughing. That little skip, will forever be in my heart.

And here she is now. A big sister. Growing out her hair. Trying new adventures. My sleeping beauty lover, pink fanatic, who calls seeds siths and makes her brother laugh like there is no tomorrow. The girl who tells me I'm doing a really good job, when I struggle to figure out how to do a bun, and tells me she loves my red hair so much. She is my free spirit, twirling to her own song. The one who waives at mom and dad during her performance, follows each step, with a big grin on her face, and walks into the curtain on the way off the stage, from pure excitement.

Lucy, Lucy, Lucy, you are my joy song. My wild heart.

Sweet Little Peanut Valentine's Day Party

Lucy and I were recently invited to the sweetest Valentine's Day Party. Megan, from Sweet Little Peanut, is just one super-talented, super-organized, super-creative momma. She put together such a darling party, and Lucy can't stop talking about it (especially, the entire bag of candy she snuck into her skirt.) The kids gave Valentine's, drank pink milk, frosted cookies, and stole kisses. Thank you so much Megan for such a great day! And check out Sharstin's cute littles. These kids were too much!

If you haven't checked out Sweet Little Peanut, you need to, stat! I have bookmarked every single Valentine's Day craft.

Sharstin and Megan, hard at work!

Sweet Little Peanut Valentines Day Party

A couple of weeks ago I was invited to photography the sweetest little Valentine's Day Party! Here's a little peak, but there is plenty more to see over at Sweet Little Peanut's Blog! If you are familiar with Utah Bride Blog and Pink Piggy Design, then you will recognize the fabulous Megan Bailey, who is the creator of Sweet Little Peanut.

Lucy and I had the best time! Also, check out Sharstin Miller's cute little kiddies! So fun!

Dear Lucy

Yesterday we went out to eat, and you did this little thing called climbing into a cupboard and hiding. I didn't realize the whole restaurant was watching you, until I heard the laughter. I started laughing too. You took your little body, contortioned it to squeeze into an empty cupboard, and then your little hand closed the door on yourself. The owner even came over to say hi, but then you got scared, and ran to dad. It's true what they say about the terrible two's, there can be some hard moments, but no one told me it is so much fun too.

Speaking of hard moments, we do lots of time-out's these days. It has to do with some of your favorite phrases, "Be nice! Stop it! Let go!" I pretty much know where you get these from (me). And you hit and push, which I don't know where you get it from, but it makes me sad. And so we have a time-out, and I hate to say it, but I have hard time not laughing. It usually starts with a mom or dad stare and a warning, and you look everywhere but at us. Feigning nonchalance, as you pick up a toy, and look at the walls, or ground. You sit in the time-out chair like, "No big deal, I love it here!" And the whole time I want to laugh, but don't, or I will lose whatever measure of authority I still represent. And then, fairly quickly, you say, "Sohwry mommy." And we are done. You have a stubborn little spirit, which I secretly love, but I also love how sweet and loving you are.

"Sohwry," is your favorite phrase. If I trip, or drop something, you always go, "Oops! Sohwry." Even though we explain, you didn't do anything.

You are still obsessed with dogs, so much so, that little dogs run away when you come running over. Ollie is very patient as you climb on his back, and try to get him to play, "ashes" with you. Speaking of ashes, you could play that all day long, or "under" where we hid under the covers. You don't walk anywhere, you skip. When you color, you use all the colors of the rainbow, and fill the page.

You are a bit of pack-rat, and now need to go everywhere with 3 blankets, your baby, and your milk. If you get a drop of water on your clothes, or a bit dirty, you immediately start ripping them off (like at the restaurant last night). But you hate wearing bibs, so it can get a bit tricky. And you love your bath's, and your "dragon" towel. Our bath-time routine ends with me asking where my dragon is, and wrapping you up nice and tight.

I love you baby girl, more than I ever thought possible. Thank you for making every day a surprise, and giving me the greatest gift, of being your mother.